The sinner's prayer is how one formally walks out of the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of God. I was totally whacky on the new age/ buddhist philosophies and I was torn about Jesus. I knew that God didn’t seem to MIND people worshiping Jesus, but I still thought that to do so was stopping short of God. And that was something I could not afford to do. My Dad told me the story of when Jesus introduced Himself to him when my Dad was 5. An afraid little boy got to meet Jesus and was never afraid in life again.

“Don’t you believe your Dad?” he asked me, as I hesitated to say the prayer.

“What if it makes God angry??” I asked in all seriousness, illustrating just how far gone I was.

“That’s a lie from hell!” my Father said vehemently.

I cried all the harder, feeling very sorry for myself, and childishly asked why God had never revealed Himself to me, had never shown me Jesus.

“If God had done that for me I wouldn’t have gotten in so much trouble in life.” I whined.

I was angry at God for leaving me to get hurt.

I said the sinner’s prayer and that night God showed me a vision of Jesus.

I didn’t fall off the couch. I was like a cow at a passing train. A mere human encountering God, after a lifetime of… not.

Jesus wafted into my field of vision from the right. I could smell Him too. I could smell the heat and the sand and the sweat. There is a scripture that says that Jesus had no beauty about Him. That is true. Apparently He was not attractive while He lived on earth if the vision has anything to say about it. He looked like those old icons. He’s beautiful to me though. Jesus stared sternly out of the vision into my eyes.

“Take this seriously.” He was saying to me with that look. He was giving me heck. There was definitely a risk in His mind that I wouldn’t take it seriously enough.

He had gentle, strong eyes. He was welcoming me home, the prodigal daughter. (this is collapsible text, to close this section back up, click on the section header again)

It’s one thing to think that God is a fuzzy new age ‘everything is ok’ type God, but it is totally another to realize that the God of the bible is true. This God is passionate and can be vengeful. He can hate you and strike you dead and all that stuff in the bible, that’s what I thought.

I asked quickly and nervously, the first question that came to mind. “How am I supposed to feel about You?” I wondered if I should be quaking in fear or what.

My body was immediately suffused with a beautiful feeling of love. We are to love God with a beautiful love.

This love was tinged with a healthy RESPECT. Not fear, it was not fear, it was calm, it was nice.

The whole thing was so gentle. And what was so utterly charming about it was that I could feel Jesus’ meekness and how He was accepting this love and respect from us. He was so sweet and tender.

He was like a child, blushing and putting his cheek on his shoulder in shyness, that’s how enchanting His meekness was.

No wonder it is hell to be separated from the most beautiful being in the universe.

You would think you would have a million questions. It’s just all too overwhelming I guess. And besides, God is not the sort you start barking demands to.

“What does Jesus save me from?” I asked, like an idiot. The answer may be controversial here on earth, but God went straight to the heart of the matter.

He showed me a vision of a sea of faces turned skyward, wailing for God. It was hell. It was eternal separation from God. Jesus saves us from separation from God. He died for our sins and reconciled us to God. The meaning of that hit home for me. There is a scripture: ‘by grace you have been saved, it is the free gift of God’… stuff like that started careening through my mind.

We are lost without Jesus apparently, and Jesus is our savior. He didn’t come and save us from nothing. He didn’t save us FOR nothing. Salvation isn’t nothing.

Separation from God isn’t nothing. It’s hell.

I wasn’t happy to find out that hell existed. The new age philosophy doesn’t acknowledge such things. But now I have come to realize that hell is necessary for a couple of reasons. One, for a jail, as in for the demonic. And two, to allow for freedom of choice. There are only two choices, ‘God’ and ‘not God’. And there has to be a place for people who choose ‘not God’.

I choose God

"ONE??" I harrumphed. "LITTLE??" I retorted, thinking of how religion had subjugated women for millennia. Men had used that one little scripture to keep their wives under their thumbs and their daughters in bondage for thousands of years.

But was I going to let it keep me away from God anymore? It's true that such things had kept me away from 'organized religion'... ie. Christianity, in the past... But I didn't want to let sexual politics get in the way of me and God anymore. My heart leapt toward God and I attempted to throw myself at Him silently on the spot.

That evening I went home and I talked to a pastor on the phone about it. I was very angry about stuff the apostle Paul said about women in the bible. The pastor was a woman and said that Christ was the great liberator of women. She cited scripture that said there is no male or female in Christ. But I was so angry.

Then God suddenly took away my anger as i leafed through the bible. He made the anger go *poof*. It's like magic, but it's not magic, it's God, it's a miracle. Just like that, I was no longer angry about it, and we are talking a lifetime of anger. Don't get me wrong, it's not like the subjugation of women doesn't bother me anymore, it's just that the seething rage that got in the way of me and God is gone.

God gave me the knowledge of how HE meant it. He meant it that men were to take CARE of women, and it was meant to be a beautiful thing. Having God 'talk' to you is a strange thing. HIS thoughts rise in your mind from behind your own thoughts and take shape like a bubble within you, such that it is in you, but it is not you. Except when He kind of gets, shall we say, 'emphatic', then it's not so physically subtle.

And it's not like once I had that information all the years of having to fight for respect didn't matter. It's just that... in the end, God's opinion is the one that really matters. Once I knew that God didn't mean for women to be second class citizens, that women were meant to be beautiful and good, I was fine. Well, I was fine after God made me fine.

It's true that God changes you, softens your heart and such, but you also must learn self control, etc. I think anybody can mess up the work God does if they try hard enough to be nasty. A healthy fear of God is good. I remember watching a video on a guy that God brought back from the dead. And he would hide in the bathroom every time his wife started a fight, because he was afraid of God. I like that.

So I sat there in tears and asked Jesus "How can you love us when we are such schmucks?". Jesus astounded me again by answering me. He placed my body in love, except for a strange empty core down the center of me, like a hole. Now my understanding of it was this: this hole could contain anything... In this case I guess it contained the schmuckiness. But it could also contain the glory of God. We are containers, vessels if you will. And God wants to be inside. That's what we are meant for. and that's what God loves us for.

I have a Christian mentor who has helped me more than I can say, and he would say 'I don't know why you gravitate toward the harsh scriptures'. That's putting it mildly. I couldn't seem to make it very far in the bible without getting terrorized.

I found the constant threats of hell and damnation and punishment to be so taxing. I always felt like I was the bad person in the bible that was cruisin' for a bruisin'. I mean lets face it, biblical standards for behavior are, well, 'be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect'... not so easy to live up to. So I was always falling short and fearing divine retribution.

Well, I'm a little more laid back now. I understand that Jesus came to save us from punishment. And He came to enable us to be good. etc. etc.

But, at the time, I cried out to God about the bible, "Why is this so HARSH?!", tears rolling down my face, I despaired that I could ever read the bible and enjoy it the way so many people seemed to.

It seemed that God sent an angel to help me. Because I felt something push into my body from the right and leave right away. But it left me with knowledge. It told me these two things: That the people who wrote the bible were full of the LOVE of God, and that they were telling the TRUTH.

I was missing that point, that the bible was written with love. I was picturing a bunch of sour-faced, finger-wagging religious people giving me heck. I was missing the love of God and how these people were trying to help, save souls.

I was also missing the fact that the bible is the truth and that the truth is harsh but isn't it good to have the truth? Think of that! How we flounder around in search of truth, until God tells us "Here it is!". But it's gonna hurt some.

I'm writing these little snippets of 'what God said to me'... They are all so simple, but think of how they came from God. That's what made them profound and life-changing for me... That's what God says when He talks. He gives you the big stuff, the simple big truths that get you on the right track.

He saves you.

Whether we are talking holy wars or witch burnings or your basic run of the mill judgmental bible-thumper, unkind words have been spoken regarding Christians.

A friend of mine was ditching me for my new-found Christianity. He was automatically assuming that I had turned into some sort of awful person. I was hurt, and it was making me stumble because some of his beliefs about Christians were beliefs that I myself had carelessly held until recently, I'm ashamed to say.

So, after hearing from God numerous times, here I was stumbling. And, in fear, I threw myself on my knees.

I told God that I wanted HIM, but I didn't want to be a 'religious' person. There are some ideas that I just wanted no part of, like the subservient position of women, like the general condemnation of being born in sin and how other religious people like to point their fingers and wag their heads at you. I didn't like how religious people would stand in judgment of you, so sure that they are right and forgetting mercy.

These were my own judgmental thoughts, aimed at Christians, easy targets that they are. I complained, in general for a short time, then I thought, God knows all my thoughts, there is no need. I just begged God to not be angry at me for stumbling about this.

God answered my prayer! His thoughts rose up from behind my torment. It's so amazing. The first thing He made clear to me was that He understood that Christianity was not the 'popular' way, and that He was not angry with me. Then He lovingly took a MOMENT to show me how my entire LIFE of searching had come up empty, how everything had slipped through my fingers in the end. It only took Him a moment to show me that about my whole life.

Then He showed me how this Christianity, that this was the strength and power of God, and that I could feel that in my body. He showed me what the strength and power of God would feel like in my body. (I wasn't feeling well at the time, and to feel God was to feel great, let me tell you.) And that feeling has been growing every day since.

I was sitting on the couch, and I was in the middle of a voice chat on the internet. I was yammering away about some inane topic when God interrupted me with much force. He spoke emphatically. Sometimes I think He was shouting at me. Of course there is no volume, because I was not hearing this audibly. But His words shook my being. That's all He said to me, three little words, but they are rather big words aren't they?... "Jesus is God!"

I guess I needed to hear that from God Himself. I had doubted that point. After all, Jesus was a man.

My mind reeled. It tried to disbelieve, to minimize, to forget, to cope immediately. Then God did it again, grabbed hold of my whole body and said it again with an electric buzz, "Jesus is God!!"

I whined, 'ok, ok', and sat panting on the couch.

Then I excitedly told the person I was talking to on the internet what had just transpired. They were nonplussed. I thought everybody would be so excited to hear about somebody, after a lifetime of searching, finally finding. The odd thing was, almost nobody was excited. To the Christians it was old hat. To the non-Christians it was usually something to get defensive about. Thank God for my husband and family, and my mentor.

I recall phoning a Christian guy all excited about God telling me that Jesus is God. And all he said was "Well didn't you know that?", all bored with it. I got ticked off and said that this world is going to hell in a rail cart, so to speak, and there are a good number of people who think that Jesus Christ was just a good teacher or a prophet, if He existed at all. Now to hear this from God's lips is soul-saving stuff when you have been caught up in new age and buddhist philosophies.

Think of it! God Himself took human form and came to save us. The planet should still be shimmering from the beauty of His footfalls. God has visited us. He became our savior. He created us, and He didn't leave us alone.

He came.

But I watched the tortured little body of a 4 month old child, trying to cry, but not having the strength... But he couldn't stop crying and he was making these awful little coughing noises. He was so skinny he looked like a little skeleton with skin, and those pain-filled eyes.

I looked at the baby and wanted to cry, but tears weren't enough. The pain of it, and suddenly the pain of the whole world rose up inside me. Maybe it's just that I was feeling so close to God, and He's so beautiful and gentle and loving. Maybe it's because God had inexplicably made Himself available to me, not that I was taking that for granted. Maybe it's because when God comes around you start dreaming again and thinking those dreams just might come true.

But for some reason I cried out to God and asked Him the big question.

"Why?!" I cried, all the suffering of the world weighing on me at that moment.

"Why all the carnage?!" I shook my hands at the sky.

God answered immediately with a poignancy that could only come from our passionate Heavenly Father. He was crying. Crying for that baby, crying for the pain of our planet. They were tears of anguish. He made it very clear to me that things aren't supposed to be this way. If we were all walking with God and filled with God and one with God then things wouldn't be this way.

I think it is an astounding thing, that we can get so close to the God of the universe. But, to me this gives tremendous hope. Hope that there is a better way. That there is a place, with God, where things don't hurt so much.

We are supposed to be one with God. This is fallen creation and everything has gone wrong and God is crying.

I had this Heart song running through my head, well, one line from the song... "How do I get you alone?" oh and of course the chorus... "Aloooone!"

So finally the odd thought occurs to me that perhaps Jesus is singing the song to me. And that He wants to get me alone. I had been listening to the tapes of my mentor who is a Christian teacher/preacher on a pretty much constant basis, because I really wanted to learn how to become a Christian now that I knew that it was the way to go. I was going for total immersion. And listening to Christian teaching was the only way I knew how to immerse myself.

But I guess Jesus wanted me one on one. So I turned off the tapes and lay on the couch in the quiet and proceeded to do what the tapes were telling me to do; practice the secret of His presence. I lay there praying and concentrating, not quite knowing what to do, saying 'I'm in You and You're in me Jesus' over and over.

Suddenly the presence of Jesus was upon me! I could feel Him inside my chest. It was totally shocking to say the least. He revealed Himself to me and I didn't know what to do with Him. We regarded each other for a moment before my mind slammed shut against the whole thing. It was so real I could almost feel His beard tickling me on the inside. He is living in me like this is His body, which is very cool. We were like two room mates in a very very small apartment.

I totally rely on God to be the mature one in this relationship. I truly had no idea what to do with Jesus when I was looking right at Him. I immediately became very self conscious, very selfish. I became aware of how much I kind of don't like myself. This one time God had told me that I had to learn to love and forgive myself. I still don't know how to do that. I'm hoping that God is being patient with me on that front.

I'm not going to get into a big discussion of what I was doing wrong in life. This isn't about gossip, and I'm not a drama queen. Plus I am not big on giving the devil air time. So I won't get into detail here. But suffice to say that I was stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

Do you ever have those things in life that you just 'have to' do? That you feel you have no choice about? That the pull toward them is so strong you can't say no? I guess there is stuff in the bible about that, about how bad sin can get it's hold on you. But at the time I was just a teeny weeny baby Christian and my old life was still with me.

Anyway, the weekend was coming and I had a decision to make, to do something that bible said was wrong, and that I had been doing in life as a matter of course because it is the way of the world... or to not do it and try to do what God wants according to the bible. And I sat at the table and cried because I was looking at giving up a way of life and all the friends that went with that.

Then God spoke to me, lovingly, and He said that He would love and forgive me no matter what I chose to do. Now this is controversial for Christians because they tend to start shaking their heads whenever I tell them. Because this is God forgiving 'known' sin, in advance. In that I wasn't about to stop sinning, I was about to go out and do it knowingly, and this is a BIG no no for Christians.

But to me, it was a strategic move on God's part, because the instant I knew the degree of His love and forgiveness it freed me up to NOT DO IT. I instantly threw myself at God, loving Him all the more, and deciding to give up the sin in favor of God. Also, to me, God hands out forgiveness like candy in His pocket. He meets us where we live. He gives us mercy when we can't help ourselves. And I MEAN it, I couldn't help myself, my 'friends' abandoned me, but I shudder to think what would have happened if I was PRESSED to sin. God gave me forgiveness in that ultimate way that God gives it to humanity that is lost without Him, and it's true what the bible says that God's kindness inspires us to change, but it's HIS righteousness, not ours. God gives His grace and forgiveness because we are lost without Him, we can't help it, He knows this and helps us because He IS God. His forgiveness is divine.

To me that is the only place in the bible where it describes an incidental humanity of our savior's. It doesn't describe what the picture is, so obviously He was not illustrating anything of importance. He was just ignoring them pointedly. Normally the bible would just say that Jesus ignored them, but this time we are given a delicious peek into Jesus' personality.

So I mused about the story, and that poor woman crossed my mind. Forever to be known as 'the adulteress'. I began to think of young love, and of the Romeo and and Juliette feel of high school sweet hearts. There is this woman who lived in a society where she would be killed for this adultery. But I was thinking about how much this woman must have loved the man to risk her very life to be with him. I felt for her.

Now imagine that she has had her life saved in this incredible scene where Jesus Christ says 'You who are without sin cast the first stone.'

Then God Himself points a finger at her and says "Go... and sin no more." Is that a call to misery or what?? You can't disobey the God who just saved your life! But you love the man more than your own life, and you are stuck. I began to cry, lying there in bed, imagining that woman walking away and trying to sin no more and failing the God she loves. How horrific! I was in real pain, feeling the humanity of being unable to measure up to God's standards and breaking under the pressure.

Then Jesus showed up in my little bedroom. *Poof* the pain I was feeling was gone and I realized what God could do. And the amazing thing was that I was feeling for this woman, and Jesus was showing me what He had done for her 2000 years ago. He made the pain go away, and He replaced all the anguish and turmoil I was feeling with a gentle love for God. It was then that I realized that the adultery was only sin, in no way shape or form was it any sort of positive love, but a bondage that this woman was under that was leading to her death. And what Jesus gave her when He said 'Go and sin no more' was a gentle healing, not a command to misery! He was making it so that she COULD go and sin no more.

I lay in bed for about 20 minutes saying "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus!!" excitedly... To imagine that the Being who had drawn in the sand that day had just done the same thing for me He did for... 'the adulteress'

I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business, when it was like I was struck with a lightning bolt. It parted the clouds of my consciousness and I could see into the Heavens up on the right hand side of my head and slightly behind me, there in the skies were God the Father and Jesus Christ.

God the Father sat on a throne. He wore long flowing robes, so did Jesus. They both looked very majestic, and regal. God the Father had gray hair and a twinkle of joy in his eye, though He looked very authoritative. Jesus Christ was standing in front of the throne, about twenty feet in front and a little lower, in the clouds. He had a look of infinite compassion on His face. He was very beautiful.

I panicked and slammed my mind shut against the vision. My hands flew to my head and I held them there. I thought I might die, that people weren't supposed to see God. Well, what did I know? Only what hollywood had spoon fed me, pretty much, and hollywood is eerily Godless isn't it? But God and Jesus were just looking at me calmly, almost with a curiosity to see my reaction, though I'm sure they knew I was going to react badly at first. Now it is one of my favorite memories. And it's one of my touch stones. Because it was more real than real. And whenever I start marveling at all of this and thinking 'how can this be?', I think of that vision.

I can't express how much I grew to love God in this journey He took me on. He was saving me. Making me rock solid in Him. There are a lot of Christians out there that God talks to a lot more than He talks to me. But to me this is an astounding story. And to all the people like me who are shocked to find out that there IS a God, never mind that He is so wonderful... maybe it's an astounding story you wanted to hear; that sometimes God picks a particularly lost soul, like me, and makes them found.

He lifted me to my feet and called me to prayer, to show me that it was a special place where He and I could connect. It was a place where we could love each other, a fuzzy bubble of love. In the bible I think they call it the secret place.

So this one day I got the call to pray but I guess I was impatient, because God didn't talk to me until I was in the washroom AFTER praying. So I guess I got up too fast.

I was drying my hands on the little purple hand towel when God's giggles began welling up inside of me. You see I had been pining for God's presence for a while, because God had revealed His beauty to me on several occasions. I like to call it God's infinite symphony of beauty. He is so endlessly charming. I fell so deeply in love with Him, that I began to pine for Him to talk to me and reveal more of Himself to me. It was actually hurting, a deep ache, to not talk to God. It made me cry more than once. God actually did take away the pain I was feeling about not talking to Him. He is very merciful.

God seemed to be tickled pink that I wanted to talk to Him so much, He was laughing about it. He seemed to think it was funny that I expected to talk to Him like friends over coffee. And here's the last thing that God said to me "But You forget I'm God"...

Somehow I knew that this meant that God was inherently silent. I hoped it meant that He spoke when He darned well pleased, but I think this world knows that God is notoriously quiet. I'm sure God would be there for me if I really needed Him again. He has saved me and now wants me to walk on my own two feet. I feel Him with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Why He blessed me the way He did is God's own secret. I'm just fortunate that He did because as the old song goes... I was lost, and now I'm found...