Talking about concerts on other blogs, and memories… I should have a ton of memories, because i used to hang out with a major groupie, and she took me backstage at every huge rockstar that ever came within a 500 mile radius of our home town.  She had sex with them, and i took pictures… lol not pictures of the sex, pictures of the musicians.

I lost all those pictures when my photography locker got broken into.  sad, i could have sold them on ebay today.  

but after i got older, i could never pay for a concert when i used to get in anywhere for free.  it took somebody really special for me to get out, and i saw laurie anderson when we first moved out to bc, but years later, and this one i’m proud of, the tickets sold out in 3 minutes flat, but a friend of mine got some for us.  right in the eighth row.  TOM WAITS, can you believe that i’ve seen him? even i can’t.. the show was so magical, that i tingled the whole time, and during a tiny lull someone even yelled out ‘you’re magic!!’.. it was the mule variations tour, great album.. if i could be any musician in the world, it would be tom waits.  anyway, enjoy the video!

YouTube - Tom Waits - Hold On.

The first time I felt impotent rage was when my childhood doctor sat on my head to give me a shot, while i screamed and couldn’t move. This total inability to do anything remotely resembling what you want, makes for the impotence plus rage combination. The second time I have felt it is NOW. Having zero money, and the inability to get anything, makes for the same head sitting on feeling. I guess, most other times in my life I have felt like I had some modicum of control. But I know this feeling. And I never forget it after it’s over. Will this ever be over?

when the going gets tough, 13 reasons for the tough to get going…

1. Because God is with you always

2. God counts your tears

3. God holds your tears in a bottle

4. All things turn for good for them who love God

5. faith is the SUBSTANCE, of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen

6. with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible

7. work… to enter His rest

8. seek out the feeling of God with you, so that you can smile and give thanks in the midst of the storm

9. remember that ultimately, NOTHING can stop God’s promises from coming to pass

10. write down the times God has helped you before, and look back over this book of rememberance when you feel down

11. Go lie down on your bed and just talk to God.. honestly about what’s happening, this is not the same as complaining

12. know that if God be for you, nobody can be against you

13. Come to Me (Jesus) all you who are weary and heavy laden , for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls, take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for my burden is easy, and my yoke is light.

I’ve been listening to podcasts by creflo dollar, all about the covenant of God. That God is BOUND by His covenant to bless us, increase us, multiply us. I mean isn’t that an astounding way of seeing it, instead of begging God if it’s His will, He WILL help us when we pray, because He has to! No wonder they call the gospel ‘the good news’

The Raven, by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”‘

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

I always had these demonic rushes of anger against God, like when I was suffering too much.  I used to feel so horrible when those feelings came up, because I knew they weren’t true, because I looooove God, and Jesus is my Saviour who DOES save me.  It may take a long to get all saved up.  But He saves me and I love Him.  

The other day I let myself SIT in this anger of God, and I realized that it may be true deep inside of me, that I was angry at God for letting me suffer.  It was a terrible thing to sit in the middle of.  It lasted about 3 days, I was giving the feeling to the foot of Jesus’ cross, and letting Him handle it.  I feel soooo much better now that that feeling is gone and I’m free to just love my sweet Jesus Christ.

I feel nice tonight.  I feel complete, whole, a fullness to my body that I can’t explain.  But I know it feels like God.  Yes, I finally have that feeling in my bones that God promised me about 7 years ago.  He once told me what being a Christian is like, by showing me the feeling I have right now.  Isn’t it funny, how you wait so long for God’s promises to come thru, complaining all the way, and when it finally arrives, you forget the pain of waiting.  Must be what childbirth is like; as soon as you hold your baby, you just feel the love and forget how much it hurt and how long you waited.  I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had a child, but that’s what I’ve heard.  It’s best not to complain too much, otherwise you might remember.  It’s like carving it in the stone of your memory, words can do that, create a frame of reference, a benchmark.  But if you don’t put it into words, the pain will be forgotten.  I feel good!