I have a blogging friend who has come to the end of it. He wrote long pain/confusion posts trying to solve ‘the problem’ of this life, while being immersed in the problem, such that he couldn’t see it. He reminds me of me 10 years ago, so it’s a little bit of loving myself, the fool that I was, every time I read his struggle with the air. We struggle to grab onto something, something to hold on to in the storm, but only pain finds us… until God does. God has yet to get ahold of Dom and pistol whip him I look forward to the day when Dom finds out where the REAL ‘cool’ is. dang, it’s always in the last place you look!

I just watched a public television show on art therapy. I don’t know, maybe I should hang around with sick people. Maybe they would care about what words come from my tortured soul. I don’t think happy people care, they only care about getting more happiness, not hearing about your downer mood swings.

I wrote a novel once. Back then I thought people cared. I cared too. About all my profound thoughts. If I voice them my family flinches their eyes away from mine in embarrassment. I don’t know what other artists and writers are doing… ignoring that cosmic SHUTUP!! for the love of God, shut up.

I find that if you are up, people are always trying to take you down, and if you are down they try to kill you. with their words, with their looks they won’t admit to shooting your way.. the universe, as the new agers call it, is orchestrating your demise, and it’s coming, sooner or later, but it’s coming. and Lord, don’t people love to help it along..

These are the words that I have inside me now, words of defeat, words of loss.. words that make people look away.

Everybody thinks they are not like me because they have ‘coping skills’… but they don’t know that ‘like me’ is barrelling down on them like a freight train. who knows what infirmity will make it’s way to the surface, old age, or death itself will overtake them, then they will know what I meant.

But as it stands now… nobody cares.

I love the fat acceptance movement in blogs all over the net. Passionate, thinking, feminist women taking arms against a sea of troubles. and hopefully, by opposing them, end them. I want to be one of those plush fat women who wear polka dot marilyn dresses. but i’m shaped more like a chicken, or a fat old man. i’m thinkin’ LIPOSUCTION! give me a waist. Liposuction always reminds me of the intro to the movie ‘clueless’.. her mother, wasn’t she a betty? died in a routine liposuction accident, go figure. what an embarrassing way to die, getting yer fat sucked out into a vat. do not go fattily into that good night, rage rage against the dying of the light. ok that’s enuff quotes.. maybe some poe, nevermore, to see the lovely.. what about fat rhymes with lenore?

Yeah it’s not so easy to think cheery thoughts when you are just in a funky mood. I try to do like the secret said and think to myself ‘i am so happy and grateful now that…..’ and i think of good stuff, and it kinda works, but a funky mood is heavy and it’s not so easy to lift my spirits. Frankly in the book they don’t address that much, they say ‘listen to music, or sing’… and i”m always listening to music, i can listen to music and be in a bad mood, i’ll tell you that for free. So if anybody has any suggestions on how to shift your mood for the better I would be happy to hear them!

I think I will make a new photo blog while I’m at it, one that isn’t such a pain in the ass to use.. maybe jalbum or something.. have to look into it. But if something isn’t as easy as wordpress to install I probably won’t do it. I just found out that snidget doesn’t have a blog anymore, wow, it’s the end of an era! I have no bloggy friends, it seems that butterflies isn’t blogging much anymore. And I can’t write an entertaining blog that people will want to read haha. So no friends, no possibilities. I do like my blog template at the moment, but still wish I could find something perfect. I signed up for a new myspace account after the debauchle, but can’t bring myself to look for new friends. So perhaps I will just talk to noone in particular here.

I spent alot of money on movable type and then getting blog moxie to make me blog templates, and for what??? to get hacked and find that nobody would help me! So I installed wordpress lickety split and am having no problems except that i CAN’T IMPORT MY MT ENTRIES!!! aaargh! I’m not impressed with that bit.. but I think it might be my computer somehow. I hit the ‘upload/import’ button and i get an error that says the connection was reset…