my husband moved the air conditioner over at this end of the room, by the couch that i sit on… aaaaaah, it’s heavenly. before he had it at the other end of our very long living room, by HIS computer station, so he sat there all day and was cool.. now I’M cool I love it when my husband takes care of me.. I’m like totally sexist that way I guess. But I just want to feel loved and taken care of.. I wonder how many other women are that way, deep down. Only it’s not so deep down with me anymore haha. I readily admit it! I’m having hot flashes baby, doooooooo somethiiiiiing

I just wanted to say, that if you have a bad back, memory foam mattresses SUCK. They feel like heaven when you first lie down, but they react to core body heat during the night, and sorta sink in the middle of where you are sleeping, so that the middle of your back, which should have the most support, ends up in a big dip. you wake up with your back killing you. not that any mattress can help if you have a really bad back, but some help more than others.. a nice pillow top simmons beauty rest is good sometimes.. but the best way i have found to sleep is to go to a foam store, you know the kind that usually make beds for RVs and such. and get yourself a chunk of thick supportive but soft regular FOAM, and then put some egg carton toppers on it. my back still hurts in the morning, but i can pretty much sleep through the night, and don’t wake up in tears.

I finally took the roll of film in from one of my lomo cameras, and it was a great disappointment to me. I don’t see any advantage to the film version and a fake lomo effect on my computer. Plus half of my film was BLANK, and there’s no explanation for that. there was alot of out of focus pictures of my dog, where she was too close. and the results in indoor light are not artistic.

One camera I’m looking at buying is the Sigma DP-1, it has a large sensor so it’s pictures have really nice clarity, and the quality of the light is almost a glowy silver. Granted there’s nothing artistic about the pictures, but they sure are purday. it’s $800 though, so perhaps I’ll have to wait until Christmas to get it. here’s a link to some sample pictures from the DP-1 *click here* 

What the heck do you have to type into google to simply find out what the best digital cameras are? and I mean out of the camera image quality, WITH artistic merit… usually about every 2 years I start off on a digital camera search for the holy grail. The last time, I found the Ricoh GRD II quite by accident, it’s a pretty cool camera, but for some reason it either made me hope for more, or made me dissatisfied. but I actually bought a couple lomo film cameras since then, though I haven’t actually had any film from them developed hehe. But are all the digicams basically the same? or are they hiding stuff like the GRD from us? I want a camera that ADDS to what I do, not takes away from it, or faithfully reproduces what it sees. I seriously have dreams about it. A camera that makes art. Why doesn’t somebody bloody well invent it? I’ve been a photographer for about 25 years and this lack of camera is starting to really take the joy out of it. The GRD is the first time since i was young that I have come close to that black and white film in an AE-1 feeling, can you imagine looking for a new camera that long??

A friend of mine says unless i want to die like elvis i have to get off the years of sleeping pills. I have to take so many now, and take them with pain killers and ativan, just to get a bit of sleep, not usually until the wee hours of the morning. He says it will be hell to quit, but i’ve got to do it. Now isn’t that a cheery thought?

I bought the book ‘The Secret’ tonight.  I don’t normally buy new age mass hysteria books lol.  But i’ve been so negative lately, and it’s true even in the Christian tradition that thoughts are things.  So I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a whole book on the subject and drive it into my head that I  just shouldn’t be thinking and feeling the way i do.  it’s very irresponsible of me  I’ve only read just into the second chapter so far, but I’m enjoying it, it’s simple reading, and very calming.  Will let you know if I recommend.

Update: I don’t recommend the secret, calling God ‘the universe’ is mumbo jumbo.. and believing you will get 100 million dollars by the end of the month, couldn’t be considered in God’s will for most of us who don’t have the capacity, so it’s just delusion, not faith…

I’ve been up for 2 days straight.  I just got pissed off at my insomnia and taking a whack of pills every night to go to sleep, and the pills don’t even work.  So I just stayed up.  I was tired enough to sleep a couple times, but I wanted to see canadian idol tonight.  now idol is over and i’m wide awake.  tho i do feel like i’m gonna hurl.  So I’m eating chocolate covered licorice and feeling like maybe i’ll stay up another day.  what’s a little psychosis between friends?

I always had these demonic rushes of anger against God, like when I was suffering too much.  I used to feel so horrible when those feelings came up, because I knew they weren’t true, because I looooove God, and Jesus is my Saviour who DOES save me.  It may take a long to get all saved up.  But He saves me and I love Him.  

The other day I let myself SIT in this anger of God, and I realized that it may be true deep inside of me, that I was angry at God for letting me suffer.  It was a terrible thing to sit in the middle of.  It lasted about 3 days, I was giving the feeling to the foot of Jesus’ cross, and letting Him handle it.  I feel soooo much better now that that feeling is gone and I’m free to just love my sweet Jesus Christ.

I feel nice tonight.  I feel complete, whole, a fullness to my body that I can’t explain.  But I know it feels like God.  Yes, I finally have that feeling in my bones that God promised me about 7 years ago.  He once told me what being a Christian is like, by showing me the feeling I have right now.  Isn’t it funny, how you wait so long for God’s promises to come thru, complaining all the way, and when it finally arrives, you forget the pain of waiting.  Must be what childbirth is like; as soon as you hold your baby, you just feel the love and forget how much it hurt and how long you waited.  I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had a child, but that’s what I’ve heard.  It’s best not to complain too much, otherwise you might remember.  It’s like carving it in the stone of your memory, words can do that, create a frame of reference, a benchmark.  But if you don’t put it into words, the pain will be forgotten.  I feel good!