Sometimes I have no passion for anything but passion. I have only 3 things. I love God, I trust Jesus, and He heals me. Things may be totally whacked out in all appearances, but I have those truths that stand like stonehenge in the middle of a desert. Perhaps the greatest of those truths is that I trust Jesus. The emotion of love can waver and I can only take it as an accomplished fact because God is so lovable. And the fact that Jesus heals me COMES from the trust. Didn’t Jesus walk around saying ‘your faith has made you well’.. I think my trust in Jesus is the greatest of the three. How do I trust in Him? As my saviour.. from everything bad.. as my healer from all ills.. as my comfort, my shelter, my strong tower.. the lover of my soul, my best friend. How do I trust my Jesus who has taken up residence in me, to become one with me and make me like Him.. I trust Him with my everything. Where do those old thoughts come from? that God is far away, and blesses irregularly, rarely.. Oh I don’t know.. I want those thoughts gone. I give myself to Jesus, mighty God. the bright morning star, beautiful, God among us. Things don’t look good but that doesn’t matter, because it is written ‘let the weak say ‘I am strong”.. I don’t know what to do, I’m at a loss without God stepping in. I have to trust Him to step in, and if I don’t trust Him right then I have to trust Him to make me right. This is what it is to be held. what’s that song? to have the sacred torn from your life, and you survive. oh that’s funny, i was writing about it and it just came on. I’m listening to it now. Sometimes you have been suffering for so long you think it would be atypical or strange, or fearful for God to change it, heal it. But God will take you to wonderful places even if you are afraid. Because there are only wonderful things to be gotten from God. He’s all good, all great, all wonderous. Who cares about childhood catholic thoughts about God being afar off and stern.. we only care about the revelation that God himself has given us, about His love and sweetness. oh His sweetness, it makes me want to cry. I wish we could get closer to God. I wish there wasn’t the barrier of self. The barrier of worldliness. I only wish to be with God. what’s that song from ‘love actually’? ‘All I want for Christmas.. is You.. make my wish come true.. all I want for Christmas is You..’ I would like to sing that song to God and have Him grant me my wish, to witness His beauty every day, to feel His love always, to live in His mighty power. I happen to be slightly drunk at the moment.. one would think that drunkeness would take one AWAY from God, but I’m sitting here pining for closeness to Him. Pining for a life lived at one with His love. I’m feeling schmoozy romantic for God; He’s all I want. So I’m writing this lovey dovey blog post to Him in hopes that He’ll read it and take pity on me. Take pity on a heart that beats only for Him. I’m a shell without Him, He’s my everything. I wish I could have written one of the love letters in the bible, but I don’t have the words. 26 letters is all I got, to tell you how I feel about you, I try to express with adjectives of thankfulness.. that’s a cute song too.. How can we sing to God when we can’t hold a tune? How can I write a poem when I don’t understand iambic pentamater? What can I do for You God to give You a little sugar? I love You God, I thank You Jesus for coming down to save us, for dying, for taking on our sin.. You did it all, for us.. I am what You make me. I owe it all to You. How can I ever give anything to you? I want to be your friend, you know, all squinchy like moses, so that you would like my friendship.. that way I would be giving my friendship to You and You would like it. Dear God, hear my prayer, feel my longing for you, bless me, favor me, have mercy on me, bow down and meet me here. I know I’m not a good Christian, but love me anyway. Save me in spite of worst case scenario. Because You are a great a wonderful God, so kind and tender. Hear me Oh God, I love You so, I need You so, don’t deny me You presence in my life, always. Come to me, sweet Lord. I will gladly give up the worldly self to be with You.

Sometimes when the emeny just comes on like a flood you have to just throw yourself at God an rest in Him. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and just wouldn’t move when God gave me His peace. I’m up at 3:00 am, now I have to take my meds and go to bed. but I’m just relaxing here and trying to hang on to the peace. I trust that God will heal me and take me into a wonderful life with Him. why? Because He said so. Sometimes I think it’s not happening because I don’t have enuff faith or some such, but I trust God in spite of that, because He promised. I may be scared, I may be double minded, but God promised, and His promises are yes and amen. He will take away the fear and double mindedness. He is going to heal me and make me safe, and make my dreams come true. I trust God. It may take Him a while, but He’s workin’!

I had to go for a job interview yesterday. I was freaking out totally with a huge ‘I CAN’T, I DON’T WANT TO!’.. and I was telling hubby I was praying for God to take that away, and hubby says ‘it doesn’t work like that, get ahold of yerself’.. I said ‘it DOES SO work like that! I’m totally dependent on God!’.. and hubby had to watch God come thru for me and enable me, so he had to admit he was wrong, hehe. So by the time the interview came around I was thinkin’ ‘I can do this, no problem’.. ha! why? Coz of God! I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. God even healed me of something that would have prevented me from doing it, like the night before the interview, a gentle healing. I was watching a sermon on sunday by this woman who yells her sermons passionately, and she was saying ‘if what you are dreamin’ ain’t IMPOSSIBLE for you, then you ain’t dreamin’ right’.. I was thinking that was about right, coz I was putting out these job applications by faith! It was totally impossible and dependent on God. But God came through! He is so awesome and takes such good care of me in such a glorious manner! I’m so happy because I know that God will take care of me and enable me. I have felt so unable for so long but we’ll see what God has to say about THAT!

By the way, God was with me thru the LA trip even tho I was a total flibbertyjibbet on camera and will probably end up on the cutting room floor. I almost lost my boarding passes on the way back, but other than that I didn’t do anything too messed up. I had fun and it was so nice to meet my ‘diet’ friends. It was a real nice way to celebrate getting to goal. Even tho I’m quite a bit over goal weight right now hehe my bad.

My God is an awesome God He reigns. I’m so happy to be in His hands. Sometimes I wonder why things take so long, or I get frustrated that faith is a seed that has to grow, or that I have to WALK into the promised land.. sometimes I wish the promised land would just fall at my feet. But I think God gets frustrated right along with ya haha.. He yelled at me once to trust in Him. Like things would be moving on alot faster if I wasn’t such a booger head. aaah well, I think eventually a Christian should be able to leave fear as a thing of the past, and rest in God’s care. How many times did Jesus say ‘fear not!’.. alot o’ times I think. Anyway, I’m off to go and sit in God’s lap for a while.. talk to y’all later.

I’m getting real nervous about this trip to LA.. A good part of me is like grrr arrgh, I’m yer huckleberry! yeehaa! bring it on! coz I am walkin’ into the promised land with God and I’m all hyped up about that.. but there’s the other part of me that has been in the wilderness for a long time and wonders what the heck I think I’m doing!! I’m a home body! I’m unable.
I want to be able to say to God ‘Here I am, use me!’ and go to LA with that spirit. Knowing that He will meet me with His back up. I’m growing more excited than scared even as I type this.. the strength of the Lord is growing in me.

it promises to be a good day.. of course i think every day these days promises to be a good day. i have chat friends, where i call them ‘the bad news bears’ where they come online and tell me all the bad news of whatever is happening in their life. i have a secret to leading a good life. if you don’t let yourself become a bad news bear, then you will find that you will look back on yesterday, last week, last year and only remember all the good news you told and you will say ‘hey i really have a wonderful life’.. and trust me, this works even when ACUTE suffering gets in the way. even acute suffering will be like when a woman has a baby, you won’t remember it if you do a norman cousins thing and laugh and tell jokes or something while it’s happening, you will remember the jokes.. just thought i would share this with y’all.. i’ve had 7 years of acute suffering, but since i only talked about it a few times, that’s the only reason i remember it is those few times i threw in the towel and COMPLAINED.. the rest of the years i only remember the joy of the Lord.. i really have a wonderful life.. i’m not saying that i’m stronger or better than ‘them’.. i’m just saying that i don’t actually have the ability to concentrate on the bad.. coz when i do, my world comes crashing down.. so what i’m telling you here is just my observations on what happens why you concentrate on the good. i’m certainly not stronger and it’s by the grace of God that i don’t have MORE days where i break down and complain. But i take the good days God gives me where I can get ‘em.. and it’s all relative. on my ‘good’ days i’m certainly not ‘cured’ and i could still choose to say bad things, but perish the thought! i would rather say ‘i had a great day! i found a wool mattress topper at half the price, comfy bed!’, or whatever else i can think of that’s of good report. and tomorrow and tomorrow when i look back it will be remembered as the day i made my bed comfy, not as ‘the bad day of whatever is wrong with me, yadda yadda’.. this is the secret of how to build a great life.