I always have such a restless feeling during the day. Well at night too. I search for things to do and end up wanting cigarettes. I wish I had more constructive things to do with my life. Maybe I should try and do yoga twice a day. That’s an idea. I just did dishes. It’s weird to actually WANT to do dishes, isn’t it? I think I will go and clean up the kitchen some more. Well, the place is cleaner, but hubby is going to get ciggies anyway lol.. I think my business unnerved him. He’s walking to go and get them coz the car is broken down. You know you want cigs bad when you are willing to go on safari to get them. Hey butterfly, are you having a birthday ciggie? I do things like that, use celebratory days as a reason to smoke and drink and such. Course I would smoke on Elvis’ birthday ifin’ I knew when it was lol. I should buy a little calendar with celeb’s birthdays in it and celebrate them all. woohoo, it’s dorthy dandridge day.. who’s dorthy dandridge? I’m not sure, but smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.. It’s dennis leary’s bday, I’ll drink to that! sniff sniff, I barely drink at all anymore. It makes me gain weight for one, and for another I find that I don’t feel the same way about it since God stepped in. I used to be a social drinker, and now.. the thrill is gone, and I might have maximum 2 drinks a couple times a year. God took it away with a wink and a smile, knowing that He was a much better time than any bar could offer. In my restlessness I think about the things I left behing tho. like smoking and drinking. that’s why I’m battling cigarettes while I try and move toward yoga instead. I think as one gets well along the road to wellville one forgets what it was like to feel bad. And you start pining for the very things that contributed to your downfall. well some of them anyway. I certainly don’t pine for some of the out and out evil that entered my life accidently, as evil is prone to do. But the temptations like ciggies, there’s the rub.

Our next door neighbor thinks the block in our car is cracked. bad news. I just asked hubby if that meant we have to buy a car when we can’t afford it, and he said ‘yep, unless I can fix it myself’.. So I’ve just been looking online for a car. I wanted a bug, for so long I’ve had my heart set on a wee volkswagen, but I saw some people saying nasty things about it and I just don’t want a money pit of a car. Not after having the one we have now that’s been so kind and reliable. So I think we will stick with toyota. Get ourselves one of those tiny hatchbacks. Unless hubby decides to work on the one we have instead.

Well today he seems to have it running. But I know it won’t be running for long. So I wish we could go and get a new car, but hubby prolly won’t want to now. I even found one that I want, it has air conditioning and everything. I will hate to let it go. And then when we prolly have an emergency they won’t have one like I like. hubby just put our car back together the way it was basically, with new fluids and a new thermostat. so we’ll just have to see how it runs tomorrow.

It will take quite a bit of finesse for us to be able to AFFORD a new car anyway. I have formulated a plan, but I don’t know if we can make everything come together. hubby has his hopes up that he can get the car fixed. I can’t feel him straining over there, over the car parts listings in the phone book. my hubby isn’t one for change, even if he DOES want a new car, it represents jumping over a cliff for him, and he’s not rarin’ to do it. plus not being able to afford it doesn’t help. ok, he’s running out to get a fan with the clutch assembly.. whatever. As he walked out the door, he just said that the car will do for a while now.. so there goes the dream of buying a new car. officially dead. my only hope is that it overheats as he’s driving to get the clutch fan thingy. and it prolly won’t with all the new fluids in there. maybe it will tomorrow as he goes to work. hehe, I prolly shouldn’t be having ill-wishes for our car. I just love those little echo hatchbacks tho. They aren’t even released in the states. They are only in Europe, and just came to Canada last year. They are cute little european looking hatchbacks. I want one. but I guess it’s over. hubby says ‘don’t worry, we’ll get a new car’. but I can’t forsee it, if now is not the time, what with my plan, then there is no reason that any time in the forseeable future will be the time either. how depressing. Tho perhaps PRESSING NEED will foil all my hubby’s plans to keep our current car. If our block is cracked then there is nothing to be done but buy a new car aye? I will just have to leave the whole thing in God’s hands. My desire for a cute new car may not be the best thing for us. Especially if it means being over extended. I will try and let it go before hubby gets back so I don’t look all dejected and bring him down. He gets upset when I get upset about not being able to ‘get things’. just like a man. hehe. And this would be a big thing not to get, so I don’t want to make him feel that way. Besides, it’s always better to leave things in God’s hands. It will all work out for the best.

Like a few weeks ago when our car started failing, I was driving somewhere that I needed to go, and it started making this loud noise, and I asked Jesus for help, and the noise went away. Jesus just fixed it so that we could continue driving it, until now that is. I just think that God has His hand in this, and if I just trust Him, everything will work out ok.

ok, hubby just came back and it overheated on the drive. so looks like his plan that it will last us might not work out. the best laid plans of mice and men.. his friend is telling him that it’s prolly a cracked head, not a cracked block… I asked hubby if that means we need a new car, and he said ‘pretty darned quick’. So now if my plan doesn’t work out then we are in trouble. Coz we can’t afford a new car. So now that we have a pressing need, I’m a little worried that we can do it. We may have to sell our boat, and that could take an awful long time. Anyway, now I’m freakin’ so I’m going to go…

Hubby asked me today if I intended to stay this weight for the rest of my life. And the question struck me and I thought about it and actually realized that I was quite hopeful that I would, and answered that yes I did intend to stay this weight. So I was happy that he asked the question, but then I wondered why he had asked it and what HE was thinking, and when I asked him he said it was a shot at what I was eating for lunch and that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my weight if I ate that way. But I suppose I’m the only one that matters when it comes to the battle of MY bulge. I’m hoping to drop a little more weight over the summer, go wild on fruits and veggies when they are cheap, you know? Right now I’m just trying to figure out how not to GAIN weight, I think I will be lucky if I can figure out how to lose and still eat in a way that pleases me lol. Tho I’m pretty lucky to be relatively pleased with fruits and veggies. Now all I need is a way to have a meal or two that isn’t dry and disgusting that doesn’t make me fat. Today I ate a totally fattening meal, thus instigating my hubby’s comment about me gaining the weight back. But I have rather high hopes that I will be able to find a way of eating that I will be happy with. My weight will be up tomorrow, I hate to think of that. But I will buckle down now. Anyway, hubby has just made dinner, so I’m off..

20 minutes to salad. It’s the little things I look forward to. hehe. Hubby is taking off to go see his sister today. I can’t go coz we only have a two seater. I can hardly wait until we get a new car. I have my heart set on getting a bug. But that’s a ways away. Our truck has been real good to us. Toyotas rock.

You know I think it might have been a mistake to take up drinking coffee again. At least I might have to cut back to one cup. I’ve been drinking two in the morning. It’s kinda making me feel like crap. I may stop drinking it again, when my ‘gold coast’ runs out. Coz I paid alot for that gold coast, and it’s yummy. Plus I’m not looking forward to going thru coffee withdrawals again.

I feel like my body is sort of a machine I have to learn care and maintenance for. I used to feel like my body was a mysterious enemy of sorts that was out to get me lol. Now it’s sort of a special car I travel in. I have to be more giving to it. Whereas before not only did I take it for granted, but I was begrudging of everything I had to do for it. Now I enjoy making it happy, more or less. Well, I enjoy it more than I did, that’s for sure. I wish I was more constructive than I am, health wise. I still tend to do stupid things like take up drinking coffee, and break down and smoke cigarettes. But I think that I will crave feeling good enuff that I will stop doing those things. The coffee makes me feel terrible, I have a salad and I feel better. It’s immediate. I think I will learn quickly. Must be the anti-oxidants in the salad or something, and my body is relatively clean so it acts fast. I will sit around the house actually CRAVING to do something to make me feel more healthful. My brain will scan my options, shall I do yoga? shall I go for a walk outside in the fresh air? shall I make myself a fresh juice? then I get dissatisfied with the amount of options I actually do have, and realize that my life isn’t full enuff, and I ask hubby to go and get me some cigarettes instead. This is a problem at the moment. But as I grow stronger and God gives me a vision for my life I hope that will change. Maybe if I get to be in good enuff shape later on I will take some kind of martial arts. Tho that would be expensive, so I prolly won’t do it. But I always wanted to take kung fu when I was young, coz of the show by the same name, with david carridene. I thought that stuff was so cool. Tho there’s always that ‘live by the sword, die by the sword’ idea, so it would have to be a martial art that was designed to NOT fight first. but women’s self defense is always a good idea isn’t it? Plus I wouldn’t take anything where I was going to get body slammed into a gym mat lol nothing crazy. I would have to look into it. Yeah, it would prolly all be crazy wouldn’t it? I may never have the physical stamina to take a martial art. I ordered a power yoga dvd, I’m worried that THAT might be too crazy for me. I failed at jogging. I ended up shakey and unable to function for the rest of the day. Course I really wasn’t getting any protein and carbs. Just fruit and veggies at the time. I’m about to have eggs on toast.. rice bread, but still.. I’ll prolly gain weight tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. the eggs, not the weight gain lol. I will do some yoga after to make sure my metabolism moves a bit. I had stopped eating the rice bread coz it made me gain weight, but perhaps it won’t be so bad if I eat it with protein. We shall see tomorrow. My weight was stable today, that’s a good sign, hope it continues. Anyway, my eggs are on the way, so I’m off..

We didn’t go out to a greek restaurant, which would have been a happy thing to do. We went out for sushi. Not the california roll kind you get at the mall, but the real kind! So I ate tons of disgusting raw fish! I only crunched at the raw eel tho, and raw squid isn’t all that appetizing either, but the eel tasted like the bilge of a boat lol mold and mildew. The lobster was actually good, but it tasted like it was mixed with mayonaise or something, so it was cremey and decadent. So I had two of the lobster rolls and I had them at the point where I was already too full to eat another bite and I felt like throwing up!! I was thinking only raw fish can make ya feel like that lol. So of course my weight was up this morning, but what else is new? I will have to figure out how to eat to keep it down. Only out of town visitors can make you eat raw fish lol.

My hubby’s sister is here with her boyfriend for a wee visit. fun fun huh? I do love the company. They just went out for a walk coz it’s so nice outside, so I’m taking the opportunity to post. We went out for lunch today and I had a caesar salad, and we are going to our fave greek restaurant for dinner tonight. I wonder how fat I will be tomorrow lol. I was fat this morning. I am adding more protein in today. I bought some whey protein at the store. We shall see what the next few days brings. My weight is driving me nuts lately. It’s torturous to gain weight at the drop of a hat. I will find the way.. With God’s help. Back to the plan I guess..

I eat so much fruit now it’s crazy, but I love it. I think fruit is nature’s fast food, hehe. I’m also diggin’ my salads. God actually provides real good food doesn’t He? I think that I had felt so hopeless about my diet for so long, it’s nice for things to be looking so far up.
I missed church today. I don’t like missing church these days, at least it was a guest speaker and not my cool pastor that I missed. But it seems like once a week is so few and far between for a church service. Should be 6 days with church and one day without, not the other way around, hehe. Tho that might be hard on the pastor
I’m feeling so good today I feel like doing a garden of eden happy dance. Like being one with God is the only way to be and there’s not one bad thing in the world to get in the way.

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I went and stopped by at the store. I don’t know if that will inspire them to hire me lol. I wasn’t dressed for it as it was on the spur of the moment/ on a whim. My hair didn’t look great, and I was wearing my bright lipstick, but then again maybe a relaxed approach wasn’t all that bad, who can say? It is in God’s hands, for sure. I thought that I couldn’t do much better than how I was at that moment, if you know what I mean. I had caught myself by surprise in effect, and just walked in the store and started talking, can’t get much better than that. She said that she was putting off calling me for a couple of weeks, so I took that and decided that I would let my hopes get a little back up again. It’s such a sweet store; I would really like to work there!

Alas, it doesn’t look like I got that job. I guess it wasn’t meant to be aye? I’m disappointed that’s for sure, but I was more than a little scared anyway. I don’t know, perhaps it was right, perhaps it wasn’t, who can say except God? Lord knows I have fantasized about jobs before only to be disappointed at the reality. And the reality here is.. they didn’t call.
It would have been suhweeet. I’m sad.

The concept of being happy with my body is a foreign one to me. But I’m happy to say that I made my first foray into that unexplored territory today. Not because my body is oh so purdy now, but because ‘it’ll do’ and I’m proud of where I have come; where God has taken me. It’s funny that now that my looks have irretrievably started to fly away, I’m becoming happier somehow. I’m happier now with whatever healthy look I can get than I was when I was younger and searching for something rather unhealthy because of fashion dictates. Not that I wouldn’t like to look better, hehe, but today I’m content.

Well I’m on the edge of my seat coz the guy from hubby’s work is trying to get ahold of us about THE JOB. I feel excited about it again, whereas I hadn’t heard anything for quite a while and was just thinking about business starting up things and such. I’m not sure where God wants me to go. I’m not even sure what the guy wants to say, he might want to say that they aren’t hiring, hehe. Hubby has left a message on his machine and we are anxiously awaiting his return phonecall. But perhaps he is out for the day. I’m on pins and needles.
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